11:46 a.m. - 2005-12-05
IN OTHER NEWS
Okay, let’s just go ahead and get this off my chest, alright? Mmme. M. Smartypants replied to a message I sent her in August. I nearly came in my pants. What an altogether sexy individual this woman is. *sigh* And what an altogether skanky loser am I for getting all jizzed jazzed over a few kind words from the Cool Kid. (And the “love” closer. *swoon*)
KNITTING NEWS
Knitters’ Review would like for me to send my charitable monies (HA) toward this international organization this holiday season.
*Insert: Jaw. Drop.*
Okay, this has to be the craziest Gift Registry I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen some really weird registries. I could purchase an entire water buffalo, a trio of rabbits, some trees, or even honeybees (among others). Wow. I mean, I had no idea. And apparently these gifts are more popular than electronic games or hand-knit ponchos.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure that the gift of livestock (or, as the Heifer-dot-Org folk would like me to say “permanent victory over hunger, poverty, and environmental degradation” where permanent equals the lifespan of a honeybee) is a wonderful thing. And I know that the Heifer-dot-Org folk are doing good work. Just like I know that I’ll go to a Special Hell if I begin slamming on their use of clichés, absence of apostrophes, and poor word choice. (More on the last in a minute. I’ll risk eternal damnation for a good laugh, any day of the week.)
But I asked my best Boy what he’d rather I do for Christmas:
Joey : What an unfortunate web address.
me : Yeah. Says here that the gift of “victory over hunger…yadda yadda” is better than cashmere socks.
Joey : What?
me : Yeah. That’s what I thought, too.
Joey : They’re as daft as the cows they’re giving away.
me : Maybe they’ve never worn cashmere….?
Okay, so I made that conversation up, but only because our workplace messaging system went down right as we were talking about this most fabulous web site. You might be able to tell that Joey isn’t precisely a bleeding-heart liberal, but he’s as close as I can get to one. Literally. Any more bleeding-hearted, and I’d be honour-bound to whack him over the head with a nice bottle of Jameson’s or Bushmill’s, or beat him into submission with a $350 Kenneth Cole shirt (which I would then promptly return, as my bank account can’t afford the strain).
Poor word choice: Inside Heifer Inside WHAT? No, I’m not going in there. No way. No how. Well, okay, maybe if it’s really cold outside and the blankets I knitted from my llama aren’t doing me any good. But it’d have to be pretty damn cold. Sorry, Heifer. (Actually, it’s just a link to boring administrative stuff, like jobs and press releases. Still. Ewwwww.)
INTERLUDE the ONLY
Speaking of bank accounts…. I don’t recommend playing Monopoly with money-hungry, triple-dealing, carbohydrate-frenzied friends (even if said friends include your best Boy and the Most Loving Lesbian Couple Ever) on any holiday which immediately follows having met with a bankruptcy trustee. I’m just saying.
READ THE FINE PRINT
Okay, so apparently I CANNOT buy a gaggle of geese, a flock of chicks, a water buffalo, or some rabbits for the homeless in Chicago. No. And I quote from the website:
The prices in this catalog represent the complete livestock gift
of a quality animal, technical assistance and training.
Each purchase is symbolic and represents a contribution
to the entire mission of Heifer International. Donations will
be used where needed most to help struggling people.
No fuzzy bumblebees. Just cold, hard cash. *tear*
CONVERSATIONS WITH JOEY
The following is an accurate transcript. I swear!
Joey : shannon asked me today to buy something for the Coyote Hill kids
Joey : and i said "hell no, i ain't buying no kid an iPod"
me : hehehe
me : whatever.
me : miscreants
Joey : if they were better people they wouldn't be poor
me : precisely.
me : (but don't forget you're spending the money on ME instead!!!)
Joey : am i?
Joey : shit
Joey : i hate christmas
me : oh, hush.
me : you don't either.
But he does. So he’s getting a lump of coal.
