12:09 p.m. - 2005-08-29
It’s Monday – Fun Day!
My mind is lop-sided and rather squishy today (08.22.05),* like someone splooooshed! my brain with a garden hose (set on ‘jet’) and then stompled up and down on it with his bare feet. I’m partially sick. Totally cranky. It’s almost 4:30, and I just want to be home where my Kali-Kitty can curl up on my sore/sick tummy and purr like the great fuzzy heating pad she is.
Random acts of bread.
I’ve decided to start pocketing the dinner rolls and partial bread loaves left after Joey and I go out to dinner, for the sole purpose of lobbing said bread (ha! ha!) at pedestrians on the street. I love this idea. Indeed, I want to sex it up. (Which isn’t so much about loving, is it, as it is about random bits and bobs of quivery human flesh smacking against one another in ecstasy…ohhhhh…but I digress.) After a fabulous dinner at a rather fourth-rate chain steak house in MO’s Capital City,** I happened upon the idea of using the scrap bread for sport.
In my mind, this solves two problems with one – muffin. Ahem. Right. Back to business. The first problem stems from the widely-accepted yet über-ookie practice of restaurants of reusing bread from the tables. Table 7 didn’t touch the rolls? Recycle them out to Table 29! The whole bread thing is bad enough when it’s complete entities (loaves, rolls, tortillas, et cetera) being recycled. I can live with that, though. What troubles me right now is that most recently Half Loaves have started appearing on tables. Yes. Half Loaves – coming soon to a restaurant near you!
I don’t mean miniaturized versions of bread loaves, either. Not some “Honey I shrunk the multi-grain bread loaf” scenario. These are, instead, loaves whacked in two (or three or four, for all I know!) and placed on the bread plate with requisite knife and whipped butter (oh! Let’s not talk about Whipped. Spread. right now. That’s an entirely different conversation.
Onward.
The better reason to squirrel away remaining breadstuffs (other than to make sure they aren’t Reduced! Reused! Recycled!) is for sport. No more for we the stilted after-dinner conversations. Introducing Bread Lobbing! Rushing down city streets, pelting unsuspecting passers-by with carbohydrates – this is a situation rife with hilarity! Being a weenie-girl, I’ve yet to try Bread Lobbing. For one, what if those teens whom I’ve just pelted with yeast rolls can overrun my little Focus? (Really, a quick octogenarian could catch me, I know. Don’t ask me how I know. I know.) For two, Random Acts of Bread seems at the very least to bite its thumb at the law.
Think of the socio-artistic parameters involved with Bread Lobbing. Not only are we feeding the poor and hungry, we’re also thinking of ways to wing! lob! pelt! throw! hurl! carbohydrates.*** Aerodynamics, velocity, speed, and other physics-based matters must be taken into consideration when determining what type of bread to use in a certain pelting situation. A shower of rolls upon craniums? Or a simple loaf to the back? The sneak attack of pumpernickel or rye in the dark. The bounce of Wonderbread, so full of chemical-y goodness.
Ah, the mind boggles.
Have any of you tried this? You must, please. And report back to me – or I shall to you.
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*I didn’t get this posted on time due to a hectic work week. Still, I think the post deserves a chance to make its own way out in the Big Bad World.
**This particular chain restaurant is home to Trey, the Freaky-Eyed-Waiter-Who-Has-a-Thing-for-the-Pepper-Mill. The first time we ate there, we could not get this guy to leave us alone. Always with the pepper mill, hovering, twisting, offering up the walnut-stained, peppercorn-filled wooden phallus. Eep! Armed with Knowledge, Joey and I requested Anyone-But-Trey the next time we went out, to the supreme amusement of the Host. Our waitress, Lindsay-or-Keira-or-Mitsi-or-Mandi-or-Whatever, was normal. Almost disappointing.
***It doesn’t have to be bread, but some sort of carbohydrate in pleasing form is best suited to Random Acts of Bread. To date, we’ve imagined baked/boiled potatoes (whole, with or without accoutrement); falafel (like a Frisbee!); bread in its various incarnations (sticks, rolls, loaves, tortillas, and slices); and cheesecake. What Would You Throw?
